Dee Butler

My journey begun back in the October of 2003 when I had attended a routine smear as I had always done, every three years since my first child was born. I understood that smears were a mechanism to detect cell changes but I had absolutely no idea what those changes could mean and I'd certainly never heard ot the hpv virus that's responsible for a large number of cervical cancer cases. I waited about eight weeks for my results and when they arrived they reported an abnormal result.

I went off to my GP who told me not to worry as most abnormal results clear up by themselves and to have a follow up in the April. I went off happy with that and returned in the April for my follow up. Another eight weeks for the results and another abnormal result. I was concerned by this and returned to my GP expecting some sort of treatment only to be told that they actually like to wait a year for the cells to return to normal, follow up in October

I had lost my mum three weeks prior to my October follow up and at my appointment my GP suggested doing the smear another time, my head was all over the place and for a moment I considered it BUT I truly believe if I hadn't had it that day I wouldn't of had it done at all, I was still in the dark as to the signifignace of the results.

The following January 2005 I received the news that the changes were now severe so another trip to the GP where she referd me for a colposcopy which I had in the February 16 months after my first abnormal smear. A biopsy was taken from my cevix at the colposcopy clinic for a closer look and still at this stage I wasn't overly concerned . Two weeks passed and I recieved a phone call from the colposcopy nurse asking me to come in on the Monday, 28th February 2005 , to discuss my results. I'll always remeber her asking me if my partner would be coming, it was then the alarm bells began to ring but I dismissed it as paranoia and didn't mention it to him, not untill we were nearing the hospital doors.

No sooner had we arrived we were ushered into a room by the colposcopy nurse, the Dr was already there along with another nurse, I knew then it wasn't going to be a good outcome. We had litterally put our bums on the seat when he came out with it "I'm sorry to have to tell you you have cancer"

I don't remember much more after that as all I could hear was the word cancer over and over again and all I could see was my children at my funeral. My partner broke down, he doesn't do crying and asked "is she going to die" "you have a 95% chance of beating this " was the reply, further tests would be required but they were hopefull that they had caught it early, an appointmaent had been made for me to attend the Royal Marsden on the Thursday to discuss things further.

We left the hospital completely stunned and walked the journey home. We went through a gamet of emotions walking home we cried and hugged we walked and talked, we stopped and spoke, I just kept repeating "I've got cancer", still in total disbelief. Then there was the children how and what would we tell them?. The one thing I was completly sure of was that whatever it took to beat it that's what I was going to do, beat it. Things moved very quickly and the month of March was pretty much taken up with appointments at the Marsden.

I had an investigation under anesthetic to ensure my tumour was contained to my cervix and hadn't spread beyond that into my bowel or bladder then I had an MRI so they could see exactly where my tumour was and what size it was and to make sure there was no lymph node involvement, if the tests came back showing no signs of anymore cancer then it was decided I would be eligible for a Radical hysterectomy, if they didn't then surgery was no longer an option and my chances of survival dropped.

Fortunately for me I had been caught early enough and I was booked in for surgery on the 13th of April 2005, now two years from my first abnormal smear. My surgery involved me having my womb, cervix and the top two thirds of my vagina removed along with 29 pelvic lymph nodes and a six day stay in the Royal Marsden, my surgery had been a success my cancer had been removed.

But I didn't feel happy, yes physically I was healing fine, mentally I was starting to fall apart, while everything was in full flow there was no time to stop and think about what was happening you're just concentrating on doing all you can to beat it, then you're at home and recovery is slow you're tired all the time and you have more than enough time to think about things then it hits you, hard.

That's when the reality of it all hit home, my life as I knew it had gone, any plans I had I now had to fit in around my new "cancer" life. Hospital appointments every three months, the worry in the days leading up to them, is it back ?, then the worry and waiting for the results. Then there's the constant fear of every ache and pain being "it" again.

I have suffered from depression because of it and I found it difficult to leave my comfort zone of home and had totally lost my confidence but thankfully I had Jo's trust to turn to. Jo's became my life line and I believe it kept what little sanity I had intact.

Logging onto to Jo's showed me that all of the things I was experiencing were "normal" and that I was entitled to feel this way. Having any form of cancer can leave you feeling so isolated and alone so being able to talk to women in the same or similar situations was a godsend, just having people who really understood where I was coming from and not minding me talking about it really helped me , friends and family are great but they are going through their own stuff watching their loved one suffering that they can't begin to understand why you can't move on and why should they ?

I am now nearly four years cancer free but I still log into Jo's daily, only now I'm not always the one looking for the advice or support I am the one now able to give the advice and support, I'll never forget what a great comfort it was for me in those dark early days and how much it helped me be me again.